Solitary v Lonely? I am in the middle of a breakup process, during the dreaded (for me
currently) holidays and end of the year festivities. Even knowing what I know about
myself, after all, I am a certified coach, always learning, always self-reflecting,
meditating, yoga practicing self-person. And with all of that, I am itching, even during
this process, I am itching to reach into my phone to get on a dating app to get on to the
‘next one. ‘What is that?
With all the possibilities in technology, it is truly possible, as Beyoncé sings, in
Irreplaceable, to the Left to the Left, everything you own in a box to the left… and later,
you must not know about me, I can have another you by tomorrow, so don’t you ever
get to thinking, you are irreplaceable. “I can see in this song how she is talking from a
place of power, ‘I am not less than without you’, but I still wonder
Why would I want another you? And why would I want to do it in a second? What am I
proving and to who?
I can have compassion for myself and others that do not want to deal with either the
pain of break up or the fear of ‘being alone.’ I can have compassion for that part of
myself. I can see how I would seek to relieve this pain of heartbreak and disappointment
with the busy -ness of another partner. I can see that in myself, I see that in my sister,
just getting out of a 21-year marriage, has been in two relationships that from my view,
are not supporting her growth but rather, taking from her. I can see how that is, and I
can be compassionate.
So I ask, even knowing this, what is it about me that feels that compulsion. Inside me, I
know, deeply, that when you engage in a new connection from a place of lack, it creates
a vacuum, a neediness – the kind of neediness that we find repulsive in another, and
when we see it in ourselves, we are likewise disgusted. We wonder, in this repulsion,
what is wrong with me? Why am I behaving like this? Why am I looking at the phone
every five minutes? What is this vacuum I feel? It is totally scary!!
And then, what is worse, this other person sees it, and pulls away. And amid your
unhealed heartbreak and disappointment, you can now count another rejection. Or you
can have this other experience- You can meet someone you like and likes you. You
come together from a mutual wounded space. You find this person needs you,
validates your value in the world because of your strengths and your desire to help
others. You feel a little ill at ease but go with it. You are needed, you have purpose.
And you notice, within a period of time – a month, a year, 5 years- that you have turned
your partner into a project. You are drained and don’t know why. You see, in the blink of
an eye, as I did, they have a lot of unhealed parts and you cannot do it for them. And to
this end, you feel drained, and you wonder, how did you do this? How did you leave
yourself behind? And then I caught myself, wait, yourself, who is yourself? And now
we ask the right question- Who is that self? And get to the difference between feeling
lonely and being in solitude.
I am seeking peace, to be rested, to be whole. Is this ‘solitude?’ And then I find the
answer: The difference between loneliness and solitude is choice. And having that
choice, feeling into the possibility of that choice, I choose my Self.
Katherine Woodward Thomas, in Calling in “The One”, reminds me that I am the one I
have been waiting for. This is not meant to communicate that I am wanting to be alone
but, rather, reminds me that there cannot be a “We” without a “Me.” And who is that
Me? Do I know her? How can I know her better?
To live a full life, a life of integrity with my inner knowing, a life of authentic expression,
fully realized, this is my first intention. Second intention, to be in right partnership with
another that I can provide the same space for, and that he can do that for me. If I am
going to live into this intention, I am going put my external phone down, and pick up my
“internal” phone and get on my internal dating app, to find my own truest self, my best
partner, take her out to the movies and museums, let her follow her impulses, let her
listen to and follow her truest voice. If my intention is to be in a fully realized “We”, I want
to bring into full bodied expression, a fully realized Me. And so, I choose Solitude for as
long as feels right, to engage further, and in the future, from a sense of power, of choice,
of presence and ultimately, rather than from a place of lack, let it be from a place of
Love.
Meditation:
Give yourself at least ten minutes to feel into these questions, and if and where
possible, I always encourage to have a journal nearby to write your insights.
Begin with setting an intention you can own and live by.
Complete these sentence stems:
- My intention is:
- I am in integrity with this intention for my future when I:
- I am out of integrity with this future when I:
- With my beloved, I desire to experience:
- To express this now, I can:
- With my beloved, I desire to create:
- To express this now, I can:
- For and with my beloved, I desire to contribute:
- To contribute this now, I can:
Poem:
https://allpoetry.com/love-after-love
Love After Love, by Derek Walcott
The Time will come
When, with elation
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror
And each will smile at the other’s welcome
And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your Self.
Give wine. Give bread, Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you
All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit, Feast on your life.