Individuals create space for open communication, mutual understanding and the cultivation of positive relationships. In essence, boundaries become the bridge that strengthens the bonds between individuals, allowing for a harmonious balance between autonomy and connection.
Have you ever felt that you lose your boundaries in a relationship?
How do you think we can identify those moments when we lose our own boundaries?
Several years ago, I was dating a fellow I really liked. I believe we were growing in love. I believed this connection held great promise. Our values of service and education were aligned. He was working on his doctorate, was kind, intelligent, generous and thoughtful. We were getting on well.
One evening, a couple of months into the relationship, we had made a date for dinner. It was a hot summer Friday night. He was to pick me up and we were going to go to a favorite spot in town. I met him downstairs in his car when he texted he had arrived. As he was getting out of his car, we went to the trunk and he pulled out an overnight bag. My belly contracted. Something was off.
No one said anything about an overnight. By this time in the relationship, we had become intimate and so it was not necessarily surprising, but it felt like a presumption. It had not been discussed. Looking back at the moment I could see that this was a boundary moment.
However, at the time, I had no idea what to call it. I did not want to cause a misunderstanding.
I did not want to make a fuss. In that split second, I decided, however unconsciously, to keep quiet, keep it to myself, “it was not a big deal, I thought. How often do we say that, “It’s OK. It’s not a big deal.” Just the saying of it, usually means that it is, I have learned. That night, I disconnected from myself, I left myself, my needs, my preferences, in that trunk.
The evening proceeded well, there was no drama. We had a nice dinner. He stayed overnight and we had a good evening and a quiet night. A few months later, however, the relationship ended. He told me he could not go forward. It was a simple misunderstanding that started with a desire to be helpful. He recoiled and I had a premonition of the beginning of the end.
That fateful night, a more skillful me might have had a choice. If I had been able to express my boundary in a way that would have kept us connected, making light of the presumption in some way, it might have ended then, given his fragile ego. Then, I might have been able to avoid a deeper investment for those several months, perhaps.
Then, maybe, I might have been able to reduce the heartbreak I suffered at the connection’s unexpected demise. Disconnecting from myself was my biggest mistake. Boundaries are about connection. And that connection begins with me.
Meditation/Exercise
At least once a day, every day, this week, make a conscious choice to treat yourself the way you want to be treated, to express your preferences, to stay connected to your own knowing, your own wisdom, usually found in your belly, or in your throat or in your shoulders.
When you go shopping, for example, listen to your body when you are looking at an item. Does it make sense to buy it? Does your body tell you to put it back?
Your body is always communicating. Are you able to listen? Stay curious.
Aspire to make this way of treating yourself your new norm.
“Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else.“ – Eleanor Roosevelt.
Sources
Boundary Boss, Terri Cole, Sounds True, 2021
Calling in “The One”, Katherine Woodward Thomas, Harmony Books, 2021