“The world breaks everyone and afterwards, many are strong at the broken places.” – Ernest Hemingway
The Pattern That Keeps You Stuck
Winnie sits across from her date, nodding enthusiastically as he talks about his ex-girlfriend for the third time tonight. Inside, she’s screaming. Why do I always attract men who aren’t over their past? But instead of speaking up, she orders another round and asks more questions about his feelings. Again.
Sound familiar? We don’t realize we’re doing it, but we unconsciously create our romantic reality based on deeply held beliefs about ourselves, love, and what we deserve. This “love identity” operates like invisible software, running our choices without our awareness.
Connecting the Dots
This is part of a series. We are in Week three of Katherine Woodward Thomas’s transformative work, Calling in “The One”: Seven Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life.. In January, In my first blog in January, I explored Week 1’s focus on Preparing for Love – the essential work of setting intentions and creating space for love to enter your life. My second blog dove into Week 2’s exploration of. Toxic Ties – those unconscious patterns that keep us dancing with the wrong people and stuck in cycles of disappointment. Now, in Week 3, I want to explore perhaps the most crucial concept of
all: your Love Identity.
The Three Stories That Run Your Love Life
Most of us carry one (or all) of these core stories or Love Identities. Maybe you recognize yourself in one. There are others, but these are fundamental or basic.
“I Am Not Safe” – You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You attract partners who confirm your fears or push away the good ones when intimacy gets too real.
“I Am Not Worthy” – You settle for crumbs, over-give to earn love, or choose people who can’t fully see you. Deep down, you believe if they really knew you, they’d leave.
“I Am Not Enough” – You exhaust yourself shape-shifting to be what you think they want, perfectionism masking a fear that your authentic self isn’t lovable.
Which one made your stomach clench? That’s your body recognizing its story.
Where These Stories Begin
In my own dating years, I kept calling in “projects” – men who needed fixing, saving, or healing. It took me years to connect the dots: as the oldest child with an alcoholic father, I’d learned that
my value came from helping others. That little girl’s conclusion – “I’m only lovable when I’m useful” – was running my adult relationships.
The meaning we make as children becomes the unconscious rule governing our adult hearts.
The Moment of Choice
Here’s what I teach my clients: start asking yourself, “What am I assuming is true right now?” especially when something important is at stake. When you hesitate to ask for what you want,
when you swallow your needs, when that familiar contraction happens – that’s your love story speaking.
Maybe you don’t text first because “I’m too needy.” Maybe you don’t set boundaries because “I’ll be abandoned.” Maybe you don’t express excitement because “I’ll be disappointed.”
These micro-moments are where transformation happens.
Your Compassionate Witness Practice
Place a hand on your heart and try this gentle exploration:
1. Bring to mind your most persistent relationship pattern
2. Notice where this pattern lives in your body
3. Say inwardly: “I see you. This makes complete sense.”
4. Ask with curiosity: “What are you trying to protect me from?”
5. Listen as you would to a dear friend sharing their deepest fear
The goal isn’t to banish these parts of yourself, but to understand them with compassion.
The Deeper Work
While this practice offers a glimpse into your love identity, the real transformation happens when you can trace these patterns back to their source – those early moments when you decided what love meant and what you had to do to be worthy of it.
This work requires courage, patience, and often the support of someone trained to guide you through the tender territories of your heart. Because here’s the truth: you don’t have to keep living from a story that no longer serves you.
Your adult self deserves the love your inner child was seeking all along.
Ready to explore your love identity more deeply? I guide clients through somatic practices to uncover and transform the unconscious patterns that keep them stuck in unfulfilling relationships. Connect with me to begin your journey toward the love you truly desire.